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Archive for June 8th, 2010

Life with my husband is now unbearable

Posted by Administrator on June 8, 2010

Posted Tuesday, June 8 2010 at 15:29

I have been married for 15 years and have two children. My husband is ill-mannered, short-tempered, disrespectful and very selfish.  

Meanwhile, I came from a strict Christian background and always knew that I would one day build the perfect marriage/home. My mother preaches Proverbs 31 as the recipe for a perfect marriage and is quick to refer you to it whenever things go wrong. 

I believed her and have practised it, word for word, and used it as my source of instruction. In short, I have done well and, from the outside, we seem perfect. 

I knew my husband could be mean, uncouth and unappreciative but I would always say, “Prov. 31 will turn all this around”.  

Recently, I was getting ready for work (his stern instructions are that I must be ready by 6:30). I was ready by 6:15 but he didn’t seem to be in a hurry. We left the house an hour later, by which time I was depressed since my employer does not tolerate lateness. 

On the way, I told him that I unhappy that the the delay he had caused — he spent 30 minutes exercising — would get me into trouble at work.

He became angry, unreasonable and started calling me names. He said if I considered commuting with him inconvenient, I should find my own way to work since he prefers to drive to work alone anyway”. 

He was also quick to mention that it is this sort of bickering that makes him wish he hadn’t married.  These words threw me off-balance and I can’t seem to get over them. 

This time, he did not mince his words (he had said it in many ways and through his actions in the past). I now feel cheated, used and wasted. I’m tired and it has all been in vain. I cannot do it anymore! Where do I go from here?

Fed up 

READERS’ SAY:

Be gentle towards your husband

It is obvious that you are fed up with your husband, given the adjectives you have used to describe him. However, your description of him is suspect.

Men don’t like a person with a big mouth. Perpetual bickering turns them off. Your manner of communicating is likely to be fuelling your husband’s temper. In any marriage, there are ups and downs and what matters at the end of the day is how you solve them.

Surely, you can’t be serious that you have been unhappy for 15 years; you should have left long ago. Everybody has a temper, it all depends on the degree to which they have been provoked.

Your husband might be fed up with your endless bickering. He might have reached breaking point, which is very dangerous for your marriage.

You must use a different and polite approach to communicate with him. He might be just innocent here. Like any other man, he is behaving this way because you want to control him. Men hate that.

It is the same Bible you are quoting that can give you a solution to this problem. Meanwhile, calm down, treat your husband right and be patient. And ask God for guidance. Good luck.

James Kioko Nzau

*****

Respect your husband’s personal space

I would like to hear your husband’s side of the story. There are no signs that he is being unfaithful, so it is unfair for you to bad-mouth him when all he needs is respect for his personal space.

Instead of bickering, allow him to be alone for a while. Try commuting on your own in an effort to save both your job and marriage.

You have been on this boat for too long to rock it with issues that require understanding. So cheer up and be grateful that at least you have a husband who exercises and wants to live!

Edwin Masika

*****

Show him more love

Kudos because you are a strong woman who has persevered with such a husband  for 15 years, unlike others who would have quit after the first month.

Remember that the worst thing an athlete can do is to give up on the last lap. Stop worrying because worrying will not change anything.

Show him more love and also remember to include him in your prayers because God changes people. Good luck.

Jackson Arunga Litula

*****

Fight to save your marriage

First, I would like to congratulate you on enduring the 15 years. Why quit when there is still so much you can do to save your marriage?

First, you have not indicated what your shortcomings are, and I don’t believe that you have been good throughout while your husband has been bad all along.

There are three things I would like you to try before you think of doing anything else.

First, identify your shortcomings and try to correct them because your husband might be finding them unbearable.

Second, do not dwell so much on your husband’s faults but try  to look at his positive side; try simple things like congratulating him and showing him that you appreciate him.

Avoid confronting him directly, especially when he is angry. In addition, talk to him when he is in a good mood since, from what you said, it seems you confront him when he is not in a good mood.

Finally, pray for him since prayer can change things. But remember, never quit.

Nyamu Denis

*****

Give him time

Marriage is a challenge.Give your husband time as you try reasoning with him. Sometimes men behave funny when they are impatient or fed up with some issue. This anxiety ends after some time.

Aseri W. Dickson

*****

Don’t give up

You can’t just walk out of a 15-year marriage now! Talk to with him and if need be, involve another party to intervene.

Besides, God is able, so make praying for your failing marriage a priority. Please don’t walk away; hold on and wait for your miracle. Good luck.

Gladys Mwendwa Murianki

*****

Learn to resolve your differences

A marriage brings together two different people. You have mentioned your husband’s weaknesses – he’s quick to anger and unreasonable but you have not said anything about the good side of your marriage, now in its fifteenth year.

You have three children, a home, a car and a man who exercises in the morning before work, which many people don’t have. That means the two of you worked together to achieve this.

If you have any single friends who seem to be living it up and you think they are enjoying life, I can assure you that that is just a front to hide their problems.

Sometimes you might wish you never married but once you are, you have to fulfil your vows and promises.

You have to learn to cope with the differences that arise in your marriage so that you can raise your children in a two-parent home since that that was, and still is, God’s plan.

Ayub A. Muhanji

*****

You’re not a virtuous wife

Going by the adjectives you used to describe your husband — “ill-mannered (as opposed to your good manners?), short tempered (you knew this before you married him) disrespectful (to who?) and selfish (for 15 years?) — do you sincerely believe you are a woman of virtue who does her husband good and not evil?

The fact that you were brought up in a Christian home does not necessarily mean you practise the same. In fact, you seem to demand, rather than earn, what you think you deserve!

You do not say whether there is anything else — apart from the isolated incident when you were late for work — that suddenly makes you bad-mouth the father of your children and companion of 15years. You are not in control of your emotions, and that is why you think you are fed up.

Remember, love is patient and kind; are you living up to that teaching? If you ask me, I think you’ve got other ideas, and you want to use your innocent husband to justify your actions.

Remember, when a fool wants to do something they are ashamed of, they plead justification. Do you want to be a woman of virtue, or do you want to be a fool who wants to justify her wickedness?

Wambua Musembi

*****

Learn to be more assertive

Your husband is undergoing mid-life crisis, where he sees young, pretty girls and wonders why he married, instead of having fun with them. 

He takes you for granted because he thinks you will always be there for him. Good people are always taken advantage of, anyway.

Learn to be more assertive and avoid commuting with him to work. It’s better take a matatu to work and enjoy peace instead of sitting in a car where there’s no peace.

Josh Ongwae

*****

Pray for your husband

Fifteen years of marriage is a long time. If you have managed to come this far, then surely you can still make it. Proverbs 14:1 says a wise woman builds her house with her own hands. If you have done what Proverbs 31 says, you have certainly tried.

Do you want to give up now? Of course not. As a Christian, you know what prayer can do. Pray and hang in there because I believe you still love your husband.

Another thing you can do is to try and figure out when all this behaviour started. Is it something you did wrong that you can change? If not, then show your husband you love him despite everything. I assure you one day he will appreciate that you stuck with him.

Maybe he has a problem he does not want to share with you. Talk to him and let him know how you feel. Leaving at this point will not do you any good after being with him for so long. Then pray and be patient.

Carol Tali

*****

Do some soul-searching

You talk of you efforts to ensure that your marriage worked, but you are completely silent on your husband’s contribution.

Instead, you point out his anger and unreasonableness, and how they hurt you. Of course, there is a lot you left unsaid, but this short account reflects a common experience among today’s couples.

You seem to draw a lot of strength from your mother and the Bible but your husband is outside this sphere. Is it any wonder that you have a self-righteous attitude? How does this help your marriage?

Both of you are in a frustrating trap and you must understand that you are a major contributor to this. Why don’t you try to appreciate him and what he brings to the union?

Have you tried working things out s together so that you view your success as the accomplishment of the two of you?

Please take a deeper look and re-think your approach and attitude.

Wa Kambo

*****

Sit him down and talk to him

You came from a strict Christian background, right? So you know that a house is made up of a husband and wife yet you have never discussed this issue with your husband!

Fifteen years is a long time to suffer in silence simply because your mother preaches Proverbs 31 to you. The solution is simple: sit down with him and let him know what is hurting you and I’m sure he will change.

D. Kamau

From the Daily Nation’s “Letters to the Editor”

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