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Archive for November 10th, 2010

He cheated? Here’s not what to do

Posted by Administrator on November 10, 2010

By Lilian Kithia

I once stumbled upon a book on the internet titled, ‘My husband’s affair became the best thing that ever happened to me’ and at first it seemed to me like its author was in denial of the adverse effects that her husband’s infidelity could have had on her.

But as I read the book and begun to see how her life had gradually changed since the moment she stopped blaming herself for her man’s philandering ways, I realised one thing, an obvious tragedy does not necessarily mean the end of the world- or the end of a marriage for that matter.

However, while Anne Bercht, the author of the aforementioned book may have found new meaning in life after being betrayed by her better half, this is not always the case with every affair.

As a matter of fact, we have all at least met women who can recount the details of their husband’s affairs that happened more than twenty years ago, like they happened yesterday.

But though it may be hard to forgive and forget and like Ms. Bercht, turn your man’s affair into the best thing that ever happened to you, how do you ensure that you do not forever look at it as the worst thing that ever happened to you?

Here are some pointers;

Don’t take it out on the other woman: It is your husband you are in a relationship with, and the other woman owes you no explanations. Truth is; she probably doesn’t even know that your man is married, and if she does, she clearly doesn’t care. So don’t call her and try to give her a piece of your mind since nothing will be achieved this way. Talk it out with your man instead.

Don’t try to make sense out of nonsense: When you confront your spouse, one of these two things is likely to happen; he will either be forthcoming and remorseful or distant and rude. Whichever way it pans, be wary because distant and rude means that he is not sorry and could do it again, while his remorse could be a decoy. Do not try to excuse his actions or the way he responds to your confrontation. Remember that rationalising your cheating spouse’s behavior or sympathising with him is pointless.

Resist the urge to try and make him love you: Many women blame themselves for their partner’s infidelities. They wonder what it is they could have done better to ensure that the man remained in love with only them. Resist the urge to do this. Don’t cut your hair or break a bank getting a make-over. At least not for him. His actions are not your fault.

Re-evaluate yourself. Has this happened to you before? Are you a bad-boy magnet? Do you give off the wrong kind of vibe that makes it hard for a man to respect you? Are you too afraid of losing your man that you let him get away with dis­­­­­­­­­­­­­­respecting you? Answering these questions will ensure you don’t get hurt again.

Be patient: Give yourself time and permission to mourn. Something has been stolen from you. You can never get it back. Something has been lost forever. The most important promise, a vow, has been broken. Don’t fight the feeling to cry or binge. Give yourself time to mourn and you will soon get over it.

Move on: Whether with your husband or not, you need to move on after the affair. Sadly, this is where most women get stuck. Don’t spend the rest of your life recounting the affair to everyone who cares to listen. It is necessary for you to move forward with life and love. Remember that it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else. If your partner wants back in, he will have to earn his way back into the relationship. Renegotiate the relationship in a way that works for both of you.

Remember that for you to be able to enjoy love after this, being willing to trust again is key. Take things one step at a time. Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters. 

Source: http://www.nation.co.ke/Features/Living/He%20cheated%20Heres%20not%20what%20to%20do/-/1218/1050040/-/s0419i/-/index.html


Posted in Kenya Marriages, Sex and Relationships | 1 Comment »

What’s the role of a man in marriage?

Posted by Administrator on November 10, 2010

How many times have Kenyan men been accused of being unromantic and clueless about what makes a woman tick?

I believe that our shortcoming in the love department is somehow tied to how we were raised.

Think about it. Traditionally speaking, the role bestowed on the man was limited. He was provider and protector. Period.

The women in his life did the rest; they took care of him, cooked his food, and generally made his life comfortable. How then could he have learnt the art of romance if he was used to be on the receiving end of all things good?

We may be in the 20th Century, but little has changed in the manner that men are treated in our society. It is only natural then that when he gets into a relationship, he expects the same royal treatment his father received from his mother and sisters, and since he did not see his father reciprocate, pleasing his wife and catering to her needs does not feature anywhere in his to-do list.

He views marriage as a place where he shows up in the evening just like his father did, and proceed to be accorded unconditional love, attention, sex, meals, clean clothes and a wonderful home.

Why then should such a man be accorded the title of King of the jungle when he is not even the one who runs things in the palace?

If you want to earn your woman’s respect and nurture a healthy and fulfilling relationship, it’s time you updated your roles as the man of the house. After all, we’re in the 20th Century!

Love and Support:

Women need more than financial support from you. Showering her with money is not an expression of love. She also needs emotional nourishment. Be there for her, listen to her, and comfort her.

Guard and Protect:

However, don’t interpret this as a license to beat or rough up anybody that threatens your family. It simply means that they can rely on you to be there for them when they need you.

Head of the household:

While there’s no doubt that marriage should foster equality, it does not exonerate the man from taking a position of leadership where necessary. It is acceptable to be forthcoming about implementing necessary change within your family instead of reacting irrationally, emotionally, and living unhappily while complaining about it. At times this may mean that you’ll have to give more than you get. However, remember that you reap what you sow.

Master of Ceremony:

I knew the word master would get your attention. Well, now that I have your attention, being the family MC means more than simply shouting out your demands and opinions.

It means leading by example and ensuring you depict the perfect role model for your children, from how you dress, to how you speak and act, and how you handle adversity and meet social obligations.

A Teacher:

What does your behaviour teach those around you? It’s important to be a good example to your children, loved ones and community, with both words and deeds. Set high standards and remember to practice what you preach.

The writer is a Counselling Psychologist

Posted in Kenya Marriages, Sex and Relationships | 1 Comment »

I gave birth in a taxi, Deya wife tells court

Posted by Administrator on November 10, 2010

Mrs Mary Deya, the wife of controversial preacher Gilbert Deya, before a Nairobi court. PHOTO / FILE

Mrs Mary Deya, the wife of controversial preacher Gilbert Deya, before a Nairobi court. PHOTO / FILE

The wife of Bishop Gilbert Deya claimed on Tuesday that she delivered a miracle baby in a taxi on the way to Nairobi Hospital.

Mrs Mary Deya said she went into labour while attending another child theft case at the High Court on September 9, 2005.

“I stayed in court until evening and afterwards went shopping but it rained heavily,” she told Kibera senior principal magistrate Grace Nzioka.

“It rained until 10pm and when the pain became unbearable I took a taxi to go to the Nairobi Hospital. I delivered the baby before arriving at the hospital,” she testified.

“At the hospital, doctors took me and my baby into a ward. They cut the placenta and gave me an injection,” she said.

Mrs Deya added that she was taken to Kenyatta National Hospital where she was admitted after she failed to raise Sh75,000 for admission at the Nairobi Hospital.

The following day at 10 am police arrested her while the baby was placed in a nursery.

Defence lawyer Elisha Ongaya asked for more time for submissions.

His application was granted and the case adjourned until Tuesday next week.

Mrs Deya was put on her defence after the close of prosecution’s case. The State had proved that she had a case to answer on three counts.

“The evidence leads one to ask: Did Mrs Deya give birth to a baby boy on September 10, 2005 as alleged? If not, then where did she get the baby?” the prosecutor Chief Inspector Bridgit Kanyai asked.

Mrs Deya is accused of stealing a child at Kenyatta National Hospital on September 10, 2005.

She has asked the court to free her for lack of evidence.

The wife of the UK-based preacher said none of the 14 prosecution witnesses had linked her to theft of the baby.

But the prosecutor said Mrs Deya visited a Dr Wanjala’s clinic claiming to be pregnant but he found that she was not.

Source: http://www.nation.co.ke/News/I%20gave%20birth%20in%20a%20taxi%20Deya%20wife%20tells%20court%20/-/1056/1050332/-/lod8hc/-/index.html

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FIFA bans Kenya’s Nyayo Stadium

Posted by Administrator on November 10, 2010

FIFA bans Kenya’s Nyayo Stadium – The world football governing body, FIFA, has banned Nairobi’s Nyayo National Stadium from hosting soccer matches after last month’s stampede that left eight people dead. The eight people died and scores were injured after impatient ticket holders surged forward and eventually forced their way into the stadium during a Kenya Premier League (KPL) match between perennial rivals AFC Leopards and Gor Mahia.

The fans pushed forward, crushing those at the head of the queue, while others, said to be hooligans who wanted to watch the tie without paying, brought down an emergency gate and stormed into the stadium.

Disturbed by the incident, Prime Minister Raila Odinga ordered a probe into the circumstances surrounding the tragedy.

The 35,000-seater Nyayo National Stadium is the second biggest stadium in Kenya, while the biggest, the Moi International Sports Centre, which seats 65,000, is currently closed for renovation.

FIFA President Sepp Blatter wrote to Football Kenya Limited demanding an explanation for the tragedy that occurred 23 October.

This is the second time in five years that the world soccer governing body is banning the stadium. It first sanctioned the stadium in 2005 following a stampede that left a 16-year-old school boy dead.

The boy lost his life when fans, angered by the slow vetting of match tickets at the gates, forced their way into the stadium during a World Cup qualifier match between Kenya and Morocco.

FIFA slapped a six-month ban on the facility, citing among others, lack of security at the venue. Kenya was heavily penalized by FIFA, who ordered that the subsequent World Cup q ualifier match against Tunisia be played in an empty Moi International Sports Centre, Kasarani.

Kenyan authorities effected the directive to the letter as the match was played behind closed doors.

On Tuesday, Kenya Premier League Chief Executive Officer, Jack Oguda, confirmed the development.

Kenya Premier League is a company formed by the 16 teams featuring in the league to manage it.

The league ends Sunday.

Source: http://www.afriquejet.com/news/africa-news/football:-fifa-bans-kenya’s-nyayo-stadium-2010111060521.html

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Mutula tells Ruto to stop sideshows

Posted by Administrator on November 10, 2010

NAIROBI, Kenya, Nov 10 – Justice and Constitutional Affairs Minister Mutula Kilonzo has now challenged suspended Higher Education Minister William Ruto to forward evidence on manipulation of post-election violence witnesses to relevant authorities.

Mr Kilonzo on Wednesday asked Mr Ruto to either appear before Lady Justice Kalpana Rawal, who was appointed to take statements from the witnesses, or the Cabinet committee on International Criminal Court matters.

He said statements without credible evidence could easily amount to witness intimidation.

“Both the Rome Statute and the International Crimes Act have express provisions on anyone attempting to manipulate, bribe or intimidate witnesses. It is a crime,” he said on the sidelines of a consultative forum with political parties.

“If he (Mr Ruto) has evidence of any witnesses being manipulated or bribed and does not bring it forth he is undermining the process of investigation.”

The Justice Minister said Mr Ruto should avoid sideshows and public statements arguing that questions on the credibility of witnesses could also be handled by The Hague court.

“Mr Ruto’s statements could also be read on the reverse side. I hope he is not trying to intimidate any witness who has evidence on the violence.”

Mr Ruto arrived from The Hague on Monday and claimed that at least six witnesses had been identified, coached, paid a lot of money and given refuge abroad by human rights institutions to incriminate him over the 2008 violence.

On Tuesday, he singled out Hassan Omar Hassan of the Kenya National Commission on Human Rights (KNCHR) of doctoring evidence being used against him over the violence.
He accused Mr Omar of allegedly paying and coaching the witnesses who have been given refuge out of Kenya, and are expected to testify before the International Criminal Court.

The suspended Minister said he had evidence to show that all the witnesses lined up to testify at the ICC were paid and promised better lives so that they could lie to the investigators.
But Mr Kilonzo challenged him: “If you have evidence you have an obligation to abide by the law. Therefore he needs to make the evidence available.”

“I have praised him for going to The Hague but on this one he is failing.”

Mr Kilonzo also warned possible “coached” witnesses that such action would backfire on them.

“If indeed you think you can get away with being bribed to go and give false testimony you will be prosecuted,” he said.

The Office of the Prosecutor of the ICC has indicated that it will present two main cases to the ICC judges by the end of the year.

Read more: http://www.capitalfm.co.ke/news/Kenyanews/Mutula-tells-Ruto-to-stop-sideshows-10475.html#ixzz14t1pUcYF

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Study: Texting helps HIV patients adhere to treatment

Posted by Administrator on November 10, 2010

A trial in Kenya has shown that text messages can help patients adhere to their treatment, and improved absolute adherence rates by 12 percent and viral load suppression by 9 percent.

The study, written by Richard T. Lester, MD, of the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, and colleagues, was released online Nov. 9 in the Lancet. It also will be presented later this month at the 2010 mHealth Summit in Washington, D.C.

The study assessed whether cellphone communication between healthcare workers and patients starting antiretroviral therapy (ART) in Kenya improved drug adherence and suppression of plasma HIV-1 RNA load. The randomized trial assessed HIV-infected adults initiating ART in three clinics in Kenya, where patients received a cellphone short message service (SMS) intervention or standard care.

Patients in the intervention group received weekly SMS messages from a clinic nurse and were required to respond within 48 hours. Patients in the control group received standard follow-up without text messages. Primary outcomes were self-reported ART adherence (greater than 95 percent of prescribed doses in the past 30 days at both six- and 12-month follow-up visits) and plasma HIV-1 viral RNA load suppression at 12 months.

The health workers used multiple recipient (bulk) messaging functions to improve efficiency. Patients in the intervention group were instructed to respond within 48h that either they were doing well or that they had a problem. The clinician then called patients who said they had a problem or who failed to respond within two days.

Between May 2007 and October 2008, 273 patients participated in the SMS intervention arm and 265 patients participated in the standard care arm. Adherence to ART was reported in 62 percent of those patients receiving the SMS intervention, compared with 50 percent in the control group. Suppressed viral loads were reported in 57 percent of patients in the SMS group and 48 percent in the control group.

“This study shows that mobile health innovations can improve HIV treatment outcomes. Patients who received the SMS support were more likely to report adherence to ART and were more likely to have their viral load suppressed below detection levels than patients who received the standard care alone,” the authors stated.

Only 3.3 percent of the weekly text messages identified a definitive requirement for follow-up, one nurse could potentially manage 1,000 patients by SMS and expect to call only 33 patients per week, the authors stated. SMS intervention is inexpensive (each SMS costs about 5 cents, equivalent to $20 per 100 patients per month, and follow-up voice calls averaged $3.75 per nurse per month) and the cellphone protocol used existing infrastructure.

“The applicability of this study to other countries and other diseases remains to be assessed,” the authors concluded. “Although the uptake of wireless telecommunication devices is becoming ubiquitous, introduction of mobile health initiatives is variable. We believe that the patient-centered communication effect, in particular the timely support of a patient by a health professional, is universal and can be improved by mobile telecommunication.”

Source: http://www.cmio.net/index.php?option=com_articles&view=article&id=25060&division=cmio

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