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Archive for November 28th, 2010

When friends shun you

Posted by Administrator on November 28, 2010

Your husband dies or you divorce and suddenly people you thought were your close friends peel away because you have suddenly become a threat to their marriages

Your husband dies or you divorce and suddenly people you thought were your close friends peel away because you have suddenly become a threat to their marriages

There are times when a woman may experience changes in life that are so far-reaching that they affect every aspect of their lives.

These changes provide eye-opening opportunities to discover who your true friends really are, or what type of friends you have around you.

When certain things happen in your life, you get the opportunity to discover exactly whether the fiends you have around are the type who will stand by you through hell and high water, or they ones who will drop you at the drop of a hat?

Lose your job and you will immediately lose a large chunk of people you thought were your friends.

After all, they don’t want to be associated with jobless people who will most likely be a nuisance as they keep asking you for money which you believe they are in no position.

Others have fallen ill and during such times, learnt to be friends. Friendship is indeed a valuable gift to have and to give.

One of the most revealing changes that expose the very heart of your friendships is when you lose your spouse through either death or divorce.

Death and divorce are the principal means by which marriages end. Others are desertion and separation. Such endings are often accompanied by many emotions – frustration, disappointment, grief, relief, hope – and sometimes by growth.

This is one area that catches many women unawares – the way their friendships with their fellow womenfolk will be affected immediately they become ‘single’ again.

Some friends will remain loyal, while others will show their true characters and turning away from you because they fear you may be a threat in some way.

These are what we know as fair weather friends. They are only your friends when the going is good and disappear into thin air when you least expect it.


Alicen Wangare, 36, (not her real name) went through a steep learning curve after undergoing an acrimonious divorce four years ago.

Although she got over the pain of losing her husband and marriage, she will never forget what the divorce revealed about her friends.

“If you think all the friends you have are for real, think again. When your situation changes, you will know who you are really dealing with,” she says in retrospect.

Alicen was a successful advertising executive living in a gated community in an upmarket Nairobi suburb with her husband John and two children.

She formed a close-knit circle with three other women in the neighbourhood and over a period of 10 years, they become a clique of families who were as close as sisters.

They did a lot of things together and were in and out of each others’ houses for parties. They were supportive even in times of problems and would rally around whoever among the had the a bereavement or any other issue.

Their children were in and out of each other’s houses during the holidays and weekends were spent at a nearby golf club where their husbands played.

On Sundays, they went to the community church, after which they had lunch together whenever it was possible. But this happy state of affairs changed for Alicen when her husband was offered a well paying international job.

They decided he would work overseas for one year, after which Alicen and the children would relocate and join him. A lot can change in just a year, and John had an extra marital affair with a foreign woman out of which a child was born.

When Alicen discovered what had happened, she confronted her husband who at first denied that he had an affair, leave alone a child out of wedlock.

Things came to ahead when the other woman called Alicen and told her she should give up on John because they were thinking about marriage.

She sent Alicen a bunch of pictures to show just how happy they were with John. Confused about what to do, Alicen opted to separate from her husband as she contemplated the situation.

She however, kept the house and tried to continue her life as normally as was possible in the circumstances. For support, she confided in her friends.

At first they were sympathetic and very supportive. But a year down the line when it was obvious that John was not coming back and that a divorce was imminent, she started noticing a subtle change of attitude towards her from some of her friends.

Very slowly and gradually, she noticed that they were no longer comfortable with her being around their houses especially when their husbands were around.

It was not overt at first, but she would no longer be invited when her friends had guests or when they were going out to the club to join their husbands. Alice instinctively knew that she was no longer part of the inner circle.

Much as her friends pretended to be their old selves, she realized that beneath it all, there was this sense that she no longer belonged.

She couldn’t help feeling that they now viewed her with open suspicion especially whenever one of their husbands spoke to her.


The last straw was when one evening as she drove to her house, she got a puncture. Daniel, one of her friends’ husbands stopped to help her change the tyre when his wife Kate jogged by.

She stopped to ask what the problem was but “Her body language spoke a thousand words,” says Alicen. “She was strangely cold towards both of us, and I literally froze. It was a very defining moment.

Her husband sensed it too, because he promptly changed the tyre, and left. This would never have happened when John and I were still together.”

It was very painful to realize that women who I had thought were my best friends now viewed me with suspicion and yet I had not given them any reason to doubt my friendship or integrity.

Was it just because now I was single and they thought I might target their husbands? After this incident, Alicen decided that if they could be so cruel to her instead of being supportive then she did not need them as friends either and that is how what had been a close knit group disintegrated.

They still meet at the club but Alicen now has new friends and even though the children are still friends, she is very careful how she relates with her former friends, their husbands and even their children.

Divorce or separation has many side-effects. Whatever you had, you seem to lose. First, it is your spouse and as if that is not enough, you lose your friends as well.

Some losses are expected and don’t cause a shock, but the friends? It is the icing on the cake of your losses. Losing friends and knowing that you are now the topic of gossip among them is hard to bear.

They treat you as if you have a contagious disease, afraid that your misfortune might somehow spread to them, so they isolate you and relegate you to the Siberia of friendlessness.

Some feel that being close to you may threaten their marriages. Divorce, separation and death are realities that can happen to anyone, but it still renders many friends speechless.

Most of them do not know how to handle the person on the receiving end, now that your status has changed. Others simply decide to keep away.

Those you thought you could depend on no longer relate with you and have no empathy, so they end up gossiping and judging you.

Whatever the cause of your separation, most of them leave you to lick your wounds all by your self.

Divorce and separation are not the only losses that could make your friends change towards you, it also happens when you lose your spouse through death.

Many a widow can attest to the fact people who were close to you when your husband was alive, suddenly distance themselves because they imagine that you will become emotionally needy and financially dependent.

Some women even feel that their husbands will sympathise with you and use this as an excuse to spend time with you.

Because men who were friends have been known to have affairs with their late friend’s wife, on the pretext of helping their late friend’s family out, their wives, who were probably your best friends may be afraid that their marriages could be under threat arising from your close association with their husbands.


Source: http://www.nation.co.ke/Features/saturday/When%20friends%20shun%20you%20%20/-/1216/1060874/-/wn5746/-/index.html


Posted in Features | 1 Comment »

When your spouse hates your friends…

Posted by Administrator on November 28, 2010

What happens when your spouse starts to treat your long time close friend as his/her enemy number one? A delicate situation arises and one may need to make tough choices to get out of it. Photo/ANTHONY NJOROGE/Posed by models, courtesy tacos restaurant

What happens when your spouse starts to treat your long time close friend as his/her enemy number one? A delicate situation arises and one may need to make tough choices to get out of it. Photo/ANTHONY NJOROGE/Posed by models, courtesy tacos restaurant

A former classmate of mine in college is in trouble with his wife of four years.

When he called me two weeks ago telling me he had a serious personal issue he wanted to discuss with me, I dropped everything I was doing and went to meet him.

To protect his identity, I will change his name to Martin*. Martin is a father of one, a son, and has been married for four years.

What troubles him today is that his wife has come to loathe his friend of 12 years, a friend from high school in the mid 1990s.

The bond between Martin and his friend is that they shared the same cubicle in Form One. They were bullied by the older cube-mates together and eventually learnt to defend themselves as they grew to be close friends.

They come from the same area and almost every term, one had to bail the other in terms of bus fare. After Form Four, they joined different universities although they studied the same courses.

They kept their friendship alive by visiting each other while in campus. As fate would have it, they graduated the same year (2004), “tarmacked” for two years before joining the same telecommunication company as new employees in 2006.

It is this friend that encouraged Martin to marry his wife. When the first child came, he was there as one of the close friends.

Party animal

But this year, things suddenly took a turn for the worse and the wife started to complain that the friend was “a bad influence on him”.

Martin, himself did not seem to see any problem with the friendship and does not understand exactly why his wife now hates this friend.

“This guy is a party animal. Every time he is with my husband, they come home past 3am,” said the wife when I reached her on phone.

Her problem on this one is that Martin doesn’t drink on weekdays but whenever he meets the friend on a weekday, they drink up to the wee hours. This is not his wife’s major problem, however.

Her beef with this guy is that at 32, he is yet to get married or even be serious with one woman. Instead of thinking of settling down, he’s busy changing girlfriends. This year alone, he has had three different girlfriends.

“What bothers me when they are together with my husband is the fact that the friend always has one of the girlfriends.

So what does my husband do when the friend is having fun with his girls? Does he just sit and watch as his friend enjoys life with his women?

Would I be blamed for thinking that he could also be having female company?” she says. There comes a time, she says, when a married person should spend time with people who care about the family’s future and not just those who are out for endless fun.

“I want him to have serious friends. Not those who are talking about how to spend money instead of how to earn more and invest. Martin apparently does not see why he should not discuss leisurely topics with his friend once in a while.

“I work in a busy environment and I need to let loose sometimes, life is not always about saving and investing. Sometimes we take life too seriously,” he says in a defensive tone.

A fortnight ago, matters came to a head when Martin’s wife refused to cook for the friend who had come knocking after the family had had dinner. “I am not married to two men. Let him get his own wife, she said furiously. She left them in the sitting room and went to bed.

“I am going to work early and I can’t go back to the kitchen. I’m sorry my dear,” she had told her husband loudly enough for the visiting friend to hear.Martin’s dilemma is that he is now confused on what action to take.

Should he cut any links with his long time friend at the instigation of the wife? Is the wife in order to choose his friends, to dismiss some and endorse some? And if Martin decides to keep the friend, what impact will it have on his young family?

The delicate balance that faces the couple is that there are people associated with one spouse who become ‘a burden’ when the family has rolled off.

Should such friends be kept at a distance? Or is it advisable to discard some of these close friends for the sake of the family?


It is not only wives who get fed up with their men’s friends. Martin’s case replicates the trouble that brewed between Jane, a female workmate and her husband. Both women are teachers in Nairobi.

Two years after her marriage in 2002, Jane’s husband categorically told her to terminate the friendship with the colleague. But how could she suddenly stop seeing her colleague who has been her ‘confidante’ over the years? That was Jane’s dilemma.

The husband had allegedly feared that this friendship was “destroying” his wife. The story was that the lady friend had separated from her husband after 12 years of marriage.

There was a serious fall out that involved both families and as a friend, Jane always accompanied her to family meetings. Finally, the matter landed in court with custody of children and equal share of matrimonial property taking centre stage in the legal battle.

Three months into the saga, Jane’s husband could no longer take the sight of his wife in tow with the plaintiff in the courts especially after a short court drama was captured in the media. “I ordered her to cut off the friendship immediately.

She strongly defended the friend’s legal action but I told her to choose between me and the friend as I would never allow the friendship to continue,” says the husband.

What triggered the husband’s wrath is the fact that during one school opening day, Jane was late to take their child to school because the opening day coincided with the mention of the friend’s case.

“She opted to attend the mention and deal with her child’s issue later. AS far as I’m concerned, that was unacceptable!” says the husband. The husband confides that he feared the same fate could befall him one day.

“I saw my wife picking up her friend’s aggressiveness and felt jittery. The woman is also the type that has little respect for men,” he says. It was hard for Jane to let go of her friend.

The matter could have degenerated into something else had the friend not been transferred to another school just in time. “It was a relief for me to see her friend go,” admits the husband.

Jane and Martin are examples of spouses who cannot stomach the characters of their spouse’s friends. What should one do when faced with the dilemma of having to choose between your spouse and a long-term dear friend? We spoke to a counselling psychologist.

Source: http://www.nation.co.ke/Features/saturday/When%20your%20spouse%20hates%20your%20friends/-/1216/1060902/-/15sofwt/-/index.html

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Churchill’s chilling encounter

Posted by Administrator on November 28, 2010

For the past one week, comedian Daniel Ndambuki has been in the media glare after a sophisticated group of shadowy characters apparently lured him into a seemingly orchestrated illicit romantic den.He spoke to DAVID ODONGO

It’s a few minutes past midnight and standing outside Carnivore Restaurant, the chilly Nairobi cold bites to the bone. I am waiting for my editor, CEO, who has gone in to have a private conversation with Churchill before I interview him. I look at the cars driving by. Ecstatic faces of fans who have just for the past four hours, been at the Churchill Live Show. And for sure, they don’t look disappointed. A few minutes later, as I stand, shuddering despite my heavy sweater, CEO comes back, with the comedian in tow.

Daniel Ndambuki aka Churchill the comedian, is not laughing. His ever-smiling face is taut with a worrying grimace. He says hi to me and tries to smile, but his eyes betray him as I can notice the languid, forlorn look.

We head into Simba Saloon and the comedian leads us into a corner. He settles into the farthest corner, as if trying to hide himself under the cover of dim lighting in the place.

“What would you do if you found a man with your wife?” he asks timidly. “There would be a fight” I reply without any hesitation. “Yes,” he says, then shifts a little to the edge of the seat. “That’s exactly what any man would do, not ask for money,” he adds.

For a man who has worked hard for 15 years to be the most recognised comedian in the country, the emotional and psychological strain of the past one-week is clearly taking toll on him. The last few days, rumours in blogs and social network sites have gone into overdrive, with different speculations on Churchill’s moral misdemeanour.

Others state he was caught in a compromising situation with a ‘married’ woman while others say the comedian is being blackmailed by a group of highly sophisticated unscrupulous shadowy foreigners. But the comedian doesn’t want to confirm or deny anything. He draws his black leather jacket tighter around him and says: “The matter is under investigations and I know the truth will eventually come out,” he adds.

great career

He shifts uneasily in his seat and asks if we have seen the alleged incriminating photos. We reply in the affirmative.

“I have worked so hard for 15 years to try and make it in comedy. A thing like this can bring everything tumbling down. I don’t know if some people would be happy to see me nikienda kuchunga mbuzi nyumbani because my career is ruined” he says this with so much emotion in his voice that I try to avoid his eyes. I look down and fidget with my notebook. Churchill himself is not settled. His hands are busy fiddling around with the saltshaker and toothpick holder. At that moment, Dzorro, Churchill Live producer walks in and grabs a seat. “Is everything alright?’ he asks the comedian as his gaze settles on me, assessing me with a stern, icy glare.

“Sisi tuko sawa,” says the comedian before he introduces me. Dzorro relaxes and after discussing the night’s live show with Churchill, gets up and walks away.

“It’s not easy. Today, I had over 1,300 fans that came for tonight’s show, and I could see question marks in their eyes.

I know somebody would have wanted me to clarify the rumours doing rounds,” whispers Churchill as he draws closer and adds, “The hard part is how do you tell your wife that this and that happened and be prepared because it will be in the media.” He says as a pained look comes to his face.

“Churchill is a brand that I have worked on for so long. And it can be so unfair for somebody to drag my name into such unsavoury situation. God will see me through, and the truth one day, will come out, for all to see and judge for themselves,” he says bitterly.

Ever a comedian, Churchill mimicking a Swahili newsreader says: “Mchekezaji mashuhuri aliyekuwa akibobea kwenye ulingo wa vitimbi, siku hizi yumo nyumbani akilisha mbuzi. Mchekezaji huyo, ambaye duru zakuaminika zasema kwamba…” he stops as we all laugh. Dark humour.

poor judgement

But where does the truth lie? Churchill intimates that he had known the woman in question for more than a year. The woman is said to work for an investment company that handles the comedian’s finances.

The person handling your moneyis probably the one you trust most and you keep close, common sense dictates. The woman invited the comedian to her place and harbouring no ill motives, Churchill went, accompanied by a male friend. What ever transpired from there is only known between Churchill, the girl and Churchill’s friend. What we know is that a man stormed in, with several photographers who took snaps at the comedian next to the woman, who had stripped naked. The man is alleged to have now been using the pictures to blackmail the comedian into paying him colossal sums of money or else, he releases the photos.

“That’s one thing I will not do. I will not pay anybody to hide what is false about me. God will see me through this. My consolation is, it could have been worse, and from this situation, I ask myself, which lessons have I learnt and what haven’t I learnt?” he says.

Born Dan Ndambuki in Machakos District, the comic has come a long way to fame, money and stardom. A creative comedian, an extremely capable thespian, a theatre director and producer, Churchill is also a powerfully witty radio presenter.

With a fresh style and clean humour, Church has in the past few years revolutionised the Kenyan comedy scene. Churchill’s star started shining brightly when he appeared in Redykyulass, a funny television comedy that satired politics and Kenyans peculiar way of life.

Acting alongside Walter Mong’are (Nyambane), Peter Kaimenyi (Kajairo) Maurice Otieno (Mdomo Baggy) John Kiarie (KJ) and Tony Njuguna, Ndambuki gained necessary skills that a few years later, saw him host his own successful live TV show, Churchill Live. The show has an online fan base of over 200,000 fans on Facebook, which demonstrates his popularity in social media. Accolades have also followed the comic’s rise as he won two Chaguo La Teeniez Awards this year. Last year saw Ndambuki win Best Comedy programme, Theatre Person of the Year and Best TV programme overall at The Kalasha Awards. He also won the Best Narrator at the 1999 Mavuno Awards.

script writer

The Churchill Live features guests from versatile spheres of society, blended with stand —up comedy from Ndambuki himself as well as guest upcoming and established comedians.

Having started gaining inroads into the industry, Ndambuki worked with a theatre group, Heartstrings Kenya. He has also written many hilarious scripts including most recently critically acclaimed play, The 43rd Kenyan tribe. Other plays penned by the multi— talented comedian include This Is Kenya, Dare Kenyans To Love and Let Kenyans be Kenyans.

In bid to support up and coming comedians, Churchill launched the first and only national comedy star search ‘The Top Comic’.

As for the predicament that Ndambuki has found himself in, what can’t kill him, will definitely make him stronger and as he says, the truth will finally come out.

Source: http://www.standardmedia.co.ke/InsidePage.php?id=2000023274&cid=123

Posted in Kenya | 10 Comments »

Arrest gays, Kenyan PM orders

Posted by Administrator on November 28, 2010

NAIROBI, Kenya, Nov 28 – Prime Minister Raila Odinga has ordered a nationwide crackdown on homosexuals in Kenya.

Mr Odinga on Sunday said that police should arrest anyone found engaging in such behaviours and take appropriate legal action against them.

“We will not tolerate such behaviours in the country. The constitution is very clear on this issue and men or women found engaging in homosexuality will not be spared,” Mr Odinga said.

“Any man found engaging in sexual activities with another man should be arrested. Even women found engaging in sexual activities will be arrested,” the premier warned.

Speaking at a public rally at the Kamukunji grounds in his Nairobi’s Kibera constituency on Sunday afternoon, the Prime Minister cited the recent population census results which put the ratio of men to women equal and wondered why people should engage in homosexuality.

“This [homosexual] kind of behaviours will not be tolerated in this country. Men or women found engaging in those acts deserve to be arrested and will be arrested,” he told a hilarious crowd.

He said leaders who were propagating rumours of same sex marriages in Kenya during campaigns for the new Constitution had failed miserably because Kenyans did not buy their propaganda.

“Those were lies from leaders who wanted to confuse Kenyans to reject the new law; the Constitution is very clear on that matter. It does not state anywhere that same sex marriage is legal in Kenya,” he added.

The Bill of Rights under chapter four of the new Constitution states that: “Every adult has the right to marry a person of the opposite sex, based on the free consent of the parties.”

A move by Uganda to introduce a Bill calling for long jail terms or death penalty in some cases of homosexuality received international condemnation, with US President Barack Obama describing it as “odious”.

He said: “But surely we can agree that it is unconscionable to target gays and lesbians for who they are, whether it is here in the United States or… more extremely, in odious laws that are being proposed more recently in Uganda.”
But notwithstanding Obama’s remarks, homosexual acts are now illegal in Uganda and attracts jail terms of up to 14 years in prison.

Read more: http://www.capitalfm.co.ke/news/Kenyanews/Arrest-gays,-Kenyan-PM-orders-10670.html#ixzz16awv2JzZ

Posted in Kenya | 56 Comments »

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