You can avoid this destructive cycle

Consider this Scenario: Lucy and Jackson fall in love, get married, and enjoy brief post-honeymoon bliss. Problems come knocking when Jackson begins to criticise Lucy about everything – her cooking, washing, even her ability in bed.

Two years later, Jackson, a hitherto light drinker, graduates to abusing alcohol and emotionally neglects Lucy. Confused, Lucy does everything she can to please Jackson. She even suggests that they seek professional help, but he isn’t interested.

Five years on, their relationship has not shown much growth. Lucy now feels worn out and frustrated, and although she does not walk out on her husband, she gradually shuts him out.

She does not respond to complaints, does not ask for anything that she can provide for herself, and when he arrives home drunk, she spreads a mattress on the floor and sleeps there. When he asks for intimacy, she obliges, but does not participate.

In the eighth year of marriage, something begins to happen. Jackson reduces his drinking, complains less, and begins to compliment Lucy. He shows more interest in her, and she can see that he is trying to establish a relationship. He appears apologetic and embarrassed about his past behavior.

Lucy, however, scarred by his previous behaviour, does not respond to his compliments and withdraws from him. Deep inside, she wants to respond, but finds herself unable to.

After three years, however, she begins to thaw, but to her surprise, Jackson seems to have receded into the proverbial cave. I call this the despondency cycle.

What is happening here?

When people get married, they occupy a mental position characterised by love, hope, optimism, trust, appreciation, accommodation, and concern. If one of you fails to fulfill this expectation in the first two to three years of marriage, the vital relationship fails to form.

The aggrieved partner moves from the original mental position to a new one characterised by hopelessness, anger, confusion, disappointment, insecurity, fear and rejection.

When the offending partner attempts to go back, he expects to find the spouse at the original position, but is disappointed to find that their spouse has moved. He will stay there, (at the original position, waiting for the spouse to respond) and when this doesn’t happen, he slowly drifts to another position, made up of shame, loneliness, rejection, and fear.

When the originally offended spouse tries to come back, he makes the same mistake – looks for his other half in the original position and obviously doesn’t find her, and so the cycle continues.

How to break the cycle

First, don’t let the cycle begin: Both of you should be involved in building your marriage by constantly communicating, respecting each other’s values and opinions and committing to solve differences amicably.

Second, seek professional help: It is helpful to consult a professional who may help you to understand possible reasons for your spouse’s behavior.
This does not guarantee a resolution, but it can help you to help your spouse and possibly save the marriage.

Even when a turnaround occurs, the likelihood of successful re-integration is higher when supported by a professional or another knowledgeable person.

Third, forgiveness. When you realise the need to rebuild your relationship, you must begin where your spouse is. The best route there is to ask for forgiveness.

Do not assume that since you have changed your ways, your spouse will automatically treat you as before.

On the other hand, when your spouse turns around, it is a perfect opportunity to break the cycle.

Unfortunately, the bitterness, fear and mistrust blocks the way, and those who feel wronged are either unable to forgive, or take too much time to respond. To ask for forgiveness and to forgive your spouse and yourself is the sure way to break the cycle.

The writer is a counselor. Do you have a relationship question? Write to skirunga@yahoo.com

Source: http://www.nation.co.ke/Features/Living/You+can+avoid+this+destructive+cycle++/-/1218/1239642/-/x57q1f/-/index.html

Graduates ordered back to class over skills gap

Photo/FILE Vice-Chancellor Dominic Makawiti said Maseno University was carrying out an assessment on the proposed intake, adding that the students were invited to make applications immediately.

Maseno University has recalled all its graduates in Medical Laboratory Science to register for additional study courses.

The move targeting Bachelor of Science degree graduates, will see them get recognised by the Kenya Medical Laboratory Technicians and Technologists Board.

This follows Maseno University’s accreditation from the board. The university attained a Class E category, crucial for training Medical Laboratory Practitioners.

In the past, the board declined to recognise graduates from the university. The move had affected hundreds of graduates who failed to get placement in government institutions.

Their only hope now lies in enrolling for the additional six units and compulsory attachment.

The directive by the university also targets students who have cleared the course work leading to the same degree.

Immediate applications

Vice-Chancellor Dominic Makawiti said the institution was carrying out an assessment on the proposed intake, adding that the students were invited to make applications immediately.

Prof Makawiti said the institution would be able to serve many of the students in the first phase because their number was manageable.
The studies will be undertaken at the university’s main campus.

“This group has often been of a small number and we want to clear all of them as soon as possible so that they are empowered to practise,” said Prof Makawiti.

The course was started in 2001 and so far has 75 graduates.

Source: http://www.nation.co.ke/News/Graduates+ordered+back+to+class+over+skills+gap+/-/1056/1239998/-/bkavgxz/-/index.html

Mother who killed her two sons had “personal problems”

Tevin and Elias were killed by their mother in Sweden

Members of the Kenya-Stockholm community are in a state of shock following a report yesterday that a Kenyan mother of two is in police custody following suspicion that she may have murdered her two sons.

Last evening, KSB was flooded with calls from Kenyans who expressed shock following the murder and sympathy for the kids. “This is an issue that is difficult to understand because nobody knew that it could happen”, Martin Ngatia told KSB.

“I really don’t know what to say and I will have to come back to the issue to try and get what happened”, Sandy, another Kenyan told KSB on telephone.

“I do think that we should be our brother’s and sister’s keepers. I knew this lady but what has happened does not tally with my knowledge of this Kenyan mother”, millionaire Barbz told KSB. “Those of us who knew this lady are very surprised because she did not look like someone who could do such a thing”, Barbz told KSB as she tried to recover from the shock.

“I am still unable to come to terms with the fact that those two nice boys are gone forever”, Mary Wambui, a Kenyan who knows the lady told KSB.

Mr. Mark Gaya, a Kenyan who lives in Märsta said that it is sad that such a tragedy had struck members of the Kenyan community adding that no one could imagine that it could happen.

As the Kenya-Stockholm community continues to absorb the shock, attention is turning to what may have led the woman to kill her two sons.

A Kenyan male who knows the woman told KSB that her life has been in a mess for a long time but that she has had little help from friends and other close acquaintances. “Those who know her well also know her problems but I don’t know whether they will say anything”, the Kenyan told KB.

According to a Kenyan lady who was also very close to the woman, it’s probably too late because the innocent children are gone and regardless of what people say, the children will never come back.

KSB has learnt that after going through trying moments in the refugee camp and following the collapse of her relationship, single motherhood has been tearing the woman apart. The woman was said to have been on a poor mental state, disagreed with very close friends on almost everything while she had allegedly become verbally violent especially during moments of disagreement.

Many Kenyans remember how in a recent case, the woman engaged a former close friend in dirty exchanges that cannot be published at KSB. After disagreeing with the friend and expelling her from her apartment where the friend had taken refuge with her two year old son, the woman moved to FB where she lashed at the woman using dirty language that many of her FB friends found difficult to cope with. As Kenyans continue to come to terms with the tragedy, there seems to be more than meets the eye under the circumstances.

Source: http://kenyastockholm.com/2011/09/20/kenya-stockholmers-in-shock-following-double-murder/

A Kenyan Lady Kills Her Two Sons In Sweden

Grace Nyambura Kamau accused of murdering her two sons

A 30-year-old Kenyan woman had been arrested in Stockholm, Sweden after the naked bodies of her two children were found in a river near their home. Grace Nyambura Kamau, was arrested and locked up Kunghomen police station after the bodies of her two sons- eight-year-old Melvin Patrick Kamau and four-year-old Elias Welman- were found after a search by police.

The clothes the boys were wearing were found neatly folded and piled on a bridge over the river. The bodies had marks and other wounds indicating they had been severely beaten or tortured before they drowned. Swedish police mounted a search after authorities raised concerns about the whereabouts of the children who had not been seen in school for more than a month. Efforts by the authorities to contact Nyambura to find out what was going on were fruitless.

The authorities contacted Nyambura’s lover who led the police to Nyambura’s home after she failed to respond to his calls. When they got to her home, Nyambura allegedly gave the police contradictory stories when asked where her children were. “The police found her relaxing at home. She told them the children had gone on a train ride, then changed the story to say they were with friends and then changed that story to say something else. That is when they decided to mount the search, ” a close friend identified as Barbara, who said Nyambura had cut herself off from friends for more than a month, said.

Reports in the Swedish newspaper Aftonbladet said the search was mounted early Sunday when the boys clothes were found. The bodies were however located on Monday afternoon. Marcopoulos,who separated from Nyambura nearly five years ago, is also being interviewed by the police.

The two boys, Elian and Tevin who were killed by their mother in Sweden

In Nairobi, Nyambura’s mother, Josephine Wachuka Kamau,expressed shock at news of the death of her grandchildren which was relayed to her by the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. She described Nyambura, her first born daughter in a family of three, as a a “quiet, fun loving, gentle and loving mother”, adding that her daughter could not have killed the children.

She said Nyambura moved to Sweden in 2004 when she got a job working at a hotel. Nyambura has been jobless since 2009 and has been living off the benefits she receives from the state following the birth of her son, Elias. She separated from her lover when she was six months pregnant. In April, Nyambura came to Kenya and returned to Sweden with her eldest son, Melvin.

Yesterday, Wachuka expressed hope that the government will assist the family in transporting the bodies of the two children back to Kenya for burial. “It is our wish that they are buried here,” she said. “We are asking the Government and well wishers to help in meeting the expenses because we are not financially stable” said Wachuka.

http://allafrica.com/stories/201109211333.html

Coffin sold back after ‘dead’ man found alive

LAIKIPIA, Kenya, Sep 20 – A family from Wiyumiririe village in Laikipia Central district is in shock after finding out that their kin whom they believed to be dead is alive and well at the Nyahururu district hospital.

The family of Ibrahim Maina Gichuki brought him to the hospital on Monday last week after he allegedly took poison in a bid to commit suicide following a domestic quarrel.

They later returned to the hospital to pay him a visit but could not find him on the bed where they left him and assumed he was dead.

The family did not however take the time to confirm with hospital authorities the exact whereabouts of their relative.

According to hospital officials, the patient had been transferred to another ward as he got better, although his relatives presumed he died overnight and his body taken to the local mortuary.

The family then started making funeral arrangements and held daily prayers at the home of the “deceased”. The burial was planned for Tuesday, September 20.

Come Monday and some relatives were sent to the hospital to clear the hospital and mortuary bills. They were shocked when they failed to trace their kin at the morgue and upon returning to the wards, found him eating.

When the reality dawned on them the family sold back the coffin and wreaths which had been bought in readiness for Tuesday’s burial.

Ngobit civic leader Wainaina Uiru said the family had incurred a lot of expenses to organise for the burial which was set to take place at Wiyumiririe village.

Source: http://www.capitalfm.co.ke/news/2011/09/20/coffin-sold-back-after-%E2%80%98dead%E2%80%99-man-found-alive/

Video: Kenyan man caught cheating by wife, then beats her up

Teen named as elite face of Kenya

15-year-old Michelle Saka has been chosen as the Elite face of Kenya, trumping more than 31 other models to win a spot in the international Elite Model Look competition slated for Shanghai, China in December.

At a well attended event at Nairobi’s Intercontinental hotel last night, an incredulous Michelle couldn’t stop smiling as she was pronounced the winner.

Elite Model Look International General Manager Stephane Pescimoro said Michelle had the potential to make it big in the modelling industry.

“I had a hard job to judge these 32 girls coming from all over Kenya. We had nine people in the jury to select someone who can join 72 models girls in Shanghai to compete to be the next top model. We choose Michelle, 15, beautiful height and well proportionate,” he told Capital Lifestyle.

How did it happen?

It was a case of first time lucky for Michelle. With nothing but a dream and zero modelling experience, she looked for a modelling competition on Facebook and as it so happens, Elite Model Look International was in town.

“I just searched on Facebook,” said the shy girl. “I found it and was selected. I think it’s a mixture of luck and talent, but I plan to work very hard,” she told journalists.

Michelle has been dreaming of being a model since she was 8 years old.

“I was tall for my age and I wanted to be a model. I told my parents and they support me fully. I shall try my best when I go to Shanghai,” said the teen, who is the envy of many seasoned models and who wants to be study architecture in college.

What makes a good model?

Pescimoro met some murmurs of disapproval from the audience when he announced Beatrice Chepkorir as the 2nd runners up and was applauded when he called out Gloria Baraza in second place. He was pressed upon to explain his decision.

“I have a lot of experience in searching and managing models… Michelle is young and tall and has complete African features. She has very good proportion and even though she doesn’t know how to catwalk very well, this she can learn. That is what people forget. She has the potential to develop her talents. She has raw talent and that is what we saw.”

He went on to say that Michelle has a baby face and also needs to be taught how to pose for the camera, but insisted that her natural talent was of more use to them than anything else.

“I’m looking for a star; the audience is looking for the best thing in the present moment. That is the difference. I am looking for someone to dazzle in the international arena.”

His sentiments were echoed by another one of the judges, Miss EU, who said that at such a young age, Michelle is well placed to have a successful modelling career and embark on other interests when she grows older.

“Most models only have until the age of 24 to be a success. Michelle is young and has strong African features. That is what she was chosen for. She is also very tall, which is good. I think if she learns and does as she is told in terms of how to be a model, she will be stunning.”

Michelle heads to Shanghai in November to prepare for the December event.

(Check out the Lifestyle Gallery for more pictures http://www.capitalfm.co.ke/lifestyle/gallery/?album=2&gallery=7).